small pond.

sparkling silver
shone,
lit by moonbeams and
brightly wound
like spooled thread that
yearns to
break free.
could never be contained,
i.
just as
water pressedintosmallspaces
b u r s t s f o r t h
did i
grow too tall for the pine trees in the forests of this town.
my legs stretched past the city limits
when i sat and
stretched my limbs.
i touched foreign lands
and knew nothing but
" i've got to get out of here . "
quoted in my mind
hundreds of thousands of times
one voice
one pitch
one thought.
"run."


i've still yet to move.
i've still yet to go.
one voice
one pitch
one thought.
"run"
resonates throughout my being
as i sit,
arms up,
fingers tracing the surface of the moon.








i'll be there soon.

Oh...

how I do apologize for my absence, love.
I've missed you, oh Interweb.
I've been so terribly busy with my life, and all that entails, that I forgot about you for just a little bit of time...and even that little bit was too much.
There are a few words that I must share with you in the immediate future...quite a few, actually.
Poems...aren't coming as fluently as they used to, but they're working themselves into my mind and onto a page at a rather slow pace.

Quite a lot has been happening in my life lately...things that I'm beginning to notice...and I will share a few of those things for nothing more than the hope that someone else might read this blog and understand that there is another soul out there who feels the same way that they do.

Well...I do believe that this was all I had to say...so with that, I shall bid thee adieu.








Thursday.

Inspired by the Voice of Nina Simone

black incense
in a smoky room.
dark.
grey.
silence meets sound
as blues
cruise
through the atmosphere.
velvety voice swirls around melodic piano
and
rhythmic drum.
nothing more.
honest words from the mouth of a woman
scorned
by life itself.
she feels
causing me to feel.
we see eye to eye
in this dimly lit place.
we
feel the same tonight.
she,
left lonely by the love she once called her own
me
leaving lonely the love that called me his own.
alone we are.
never by choice,
only by circumstance.
i see no one else
here
except the two of us.
spotlight quietly lights her
caramel skin.
she is like me.
i am like her.
torn.
worn.
tired.
lovesick.

don't speak; this is our song.

me.

it's what my
foolish heart wants.
nothing more than
to be with you
and to
know that you
desire me
as much as I
N E E D
you.

It's what my
intelligent mind knows,
the only thing to do
is to
leave behind my emotions
and remove the
need
that lies somewhere deep within me
for you.

And it's what I altogether
f e e l.
conflicting in my soul
as I toss and turn
in the deep dark early hours of morning,
wondering about you
...yet never wanting to.

honest.

I want to kiss you.
Gently.
Slowly.
Lips. Touch.
In darkness,
we become swept into each other
amidst chaos
as your hands
glide down my arm.
And I hold you
eyes closed
focused.
You pay great attention to detail
as fingers graze my cheek.
Hold my hops.
My hands across the back of your neck.
Holding on [for dear life,
as you cause me to lose my breath
when]
we kiss.
And I realize


ever mine
you are.
ever yours
I am.

We
Are.
One.

prototype.

if there had ever been
one
person
perfect for me,
it's you.
the tone of your voice.
velvety & deep,
is emblazoned in my mind,
right along with
all those seemingly
insignificant
words you've spoken.
the poetry that you exude from your every pore.
how could I not
feel some kind of confusingly beautifully terrifying
way
for you?
at times,
I want nothing more than for you to
fall for someone else.
to lie in the arms of another
and break my heart
one
final
time
simply so that I don't ruin our friendship
by giving into the emotions that
course
through my bloodstream
with every
b
e
a
t
of my heart.
and at much more frequent times,
I cross my fingers, wishing and hoping
that I am the one
who drives you crazy at night
who keeps your mind from rest
who causes you to stay awake
at times when you want nothing more than to sleep.
I want to be the one without whom
you can't
seem to
breathe.
the desire crosses my mind
moment after moment...
wanting to be nothing more than the one
about whom you dream
each
and
every
night.
to pull you in
almost as much as you
pull me.

reciprocity.

then there are the moments
when I know not
your feelings toward me
and can only remember the
wonderful things
about you.
i can only remember
how you make me
smile
at times when
everything else
seems to force
tears
from my eyes.
how your voice
your laugh
makes my heart leap
just a bit.
it is in those moments
that
i pray that if you are
not
the one,
that i can meet someone
who is
very much
like you
in my futurelife.
where he can stay forever.

3:51

tired
eyes closing slowly
as thoughts race through a
cluttered mind.
silence
has never been so loud
the whirling
and
whooshing
and
yelling
and
whispering
of all the ideas that roam my brain
each and every moment of each and every day.
i cannot speak.
the words that
take their form
behind these brown eyes
refuse to be spoken
at any point.
for anyone.
for any reason.




even if I wanted to tell you...
I couldn't.

sleepingawake.

last night I dreamed of you.
that I watched you as you slept
next to me.
You held me.
I held you.
we were entwined in eachother's arms,
and it was perfect.
and then I awoke,
realizing that my moment with you
was only a dream.
I felt you slipping away
as I tried to hold onto you
with the fingertips of my mind,
but like snowflakes in the winter,
the memory of you
melted
into sweet droplets of water
and fell to the ground.









|...[tonight], I rush to my bed...
with hopes that maybe
I'll get a chance to see you
when I close my eyes.|

untitled [2]

boys
with eyes closed to the world.
tunnel vision
focused upon what lies directly ahead.
future is unheard of.
drink in hand.
a long-haired, long-legged female in the other.
typical.
I see nothing different among them.
they all blend together and become one
simple
little
boy
wanting nothing more than to
sit at the
cool table
for lunch today so that he can feel
affirmed.

oh
but
YOU.
you are different, you
man,
you.
staring directly into the heavens
searching for
God
rather than
being led by the hand
into
Hell itself.
you seem like nothing I've ever seen before.
we
fit
like puzzle pieces,
we were found after years&years
and finally placed next to eachother.
somehow we fit.
someway we are meant.
you make me smile
in ways that no one ever has,
possibly ever
will.
and I say these things
proudly in the solitude of my own mind,
but the risk of you knowing that
these emotions run free
throughout my brain
scares me into the deepest of silences,
and I am forced to look the other way
when you look me in the eye.
you scare me.
you excite me.
you make me
f e e l.

remainedsilent.

blood pumps through my hands
as my fingers trace her photograph in your apartment.
she is beautiful.
eyes grey as thunderclouds
and skin, flawless as diamonds.
I see
what you see
in her now.
Maybe she is
funnier than I,
and her humor fits yours like a glove...
in a way that mine never could.
Possibly she
asks you exactly
how your day was
and you reply with a
[hypnotizinglybeautiful] smile across your lips.
maybe she
is more than me.
more than I
could ever be.




I just wish you would have told me.

untitled.

lips pressed together in moonlight
and pulled apart slowly
I breathed your breath
and you mine
and for one moment
in time
we were floating above the same plane
as we glanced down at those who
enviously
stared above.
we flew
for a few
seconds
until we both realized
what we were
and what we would
never be.
me,
left facing the brick wall next to my bed
with tears
gently rolling down my cheeks,
hot
with fury
and with pain.
you,
walked back into her life
as though
this place
this time
this you
this I
never existed...













and I wish we didn't.

remember

There are times throughout my day when I don't think about you...when the idea of your love does not frighten me into a frenzy.
At times, you are absent from me, completely, and I thinkhopewishpray I can do without you for a moment longer.
And that is when you return to me.
The sound of your voice, melodically speaking the blueprint of my demise.
[You know you planned it.]
Your fingertips gently brushing my skin.
"I'm here."
It never took much for you to pull me back in.
A blink of the eye, raise of the eyebrow.
I am entranced by you, and I am dying to wake up.


[originally written 6.10.10]

tobecontinued...

...and he was my kryptonite. In a place where I had no weaknesses, he broke me to pieces in the most beautiful of ways.
His eyes, grey like thunderclouds.
My storm.
His lightning was bound to strike me and send me reeling until I finally hit the ground. Electricity flowed from his fingertips, and when he touched me, my entire body was a spark.
He set me aflame in a way that no one ever could.
His voice like an ocean breeze against my sunburned skin.
He healed me.
He was the prescription for my ailing heart.
He spoke and he knew me.
His words, my thoughts.
My pain, his purpose.
Created for this...




[originally written 6/10/10]

perfectlyclear.

I saw the words "perfectly clear" in a tweet recently, and I fell in love with them.
Perfectly.
Clear.
The words seem to roll off my tongue and leave behind a sweet aftertaste.
I enjoy them.

Today I went to church [well, it was more like "tonight" because it started at 6...but I digress], and it was phenomenal. I swear on my life, I have never seen anything like it before.
The spirit of God was so heavy in that place, all I could do was cry.
It was amazing.
I wondered for a moment if that was what heaven is like. If we're going to be constantly surrounded by God's presence for eternity...will I eternally cry?
I doubt my glorified body will have the tearducts to sustain that type of crying...because, child when I cry, I *cry.*
But at any rate, God was there. He was in that place, I promise.
The entire experience simply made me want to never leave His presence. Ever. Ever again.






...and I shan't.



Sunday.

song.

I took back my library books today...books that I couldn't finish because my life makes no sense, and when I do have time to read, I sleep.
*insert unhappy face here*

I was just thinking about something [which is usually why I blog...something comes to my mind, and I figure I should share it with my lovely friend, the Interweb].

I want one of those relationships...that's real. I want a real relationship. Holding hands in the mall, going on random dates to random places simply because we want to spend time together.
Riding in the car, taking mini-road trips to cities we've never visited.
My ideal date, though, is written down somewhere [and emblazoned in my very cluttered mind], and I can't tell you that, dearest Interweb. I want to keep that a secret.
But at any rate, I want something real.
Something really real.
I want happily ever after.
I don't care what anyone has to say about that.
I want the happy ending, and I will have it.




Thank you & goodnight.



Thursday.

phoenix.

I don't know when, where, or how exactly I fell in love with Phoenix, Arizona, but something about that place just makes my heart skip a beat.
It might be the fact that it rarely snows...or the desert sunsets that I'd get to enjoy every single night.
Most likely, it's the idea of getting away from here. Away from Akron, Ohio. Away from the people and things that remind me of a life that I'd like to restart over and over.
Phoenix could be my restart button.
Phoenix could be my "start for the first time" button.
I want to take a train to the desert and live like I've never lived before...like I've dreamed of living.


I just want to go to Arizona.
I just want to get out of here.





Monday.

numb.

I don't feel anything, really.
I mean, yes, I am angry at the fact that I was the last person to know about my uncle's passing [even though, I actually wasn't, thanks to a Facebook status]...but that's all I feel.
I don't feel sad.
I don't feel like...I don't feel as though I miss him quite yet.
Maybe after the hurt and anger wears off, it will leave a clear coat of simple sadness that will hit me like a train in the near future.
Oh, how I can't wait for that.

But you know something?
I tend to feel things before I'm supposed to.
I cried for my uncle in July when I went to see him...before he died.
When we talked about nothing and everything but what was right before everyone's eyes.
I cried for him.
I knew I would miss him.

I mourned my father for at least six months before he died, simply because it was something that I feel my subconscious expected, but I suppressed it enough that I hid it from my conscious mind.

I don't like how I feel right now.
I don't like it at all.

I just thought you might like to know that.









Friday.

medley

There is a lot on my mind at the moment...and it feels as though it's all sitting there, right on top of my brain, having tea and discussing ways to give me yet another headache.
I don't like that.
I've been thinking about quite a few things lately, romance being fairly ignored.
[Finally.]
I rarely talk to my mother about anything that's deeper than the surface; you know, the things that never evoke much emotion or much thought.
She talks to me, though.
I just rarely find the energy to attempt to tell her some stories of my own.
For a while, I thought it was just one of those teenager things...like wearing dark eyeliner and having this strong urge to run away from home for no reason at all.
Suffice it to say that it is definitely more than that.

You know what happened today?
My uncle, my father's brother, died.
And I had no idea until I saw a relative's Facebook status.
Isn't that something?
I got no call...no text message...nothing.
Is it selfish of me to want to know something so important as my only uncle's passing?
I don't think so.
I'm deeply saddened by this situation...even though I knew it was coming soon. I went to see him last month, and he looked terrible. Everyone knew. He knew, too. He told me. I cried on his front porch where no one could see me.
He told me he was proud of me.
He told me my dad would be proud of me.
That warmed my heart in a way that only the statement, "Your dad would be so proud" can.
It's sad.
It's very sad.
But he's not in pain anymore, worrying about when he would finally depart.
I suppose that's a good thing.
It just hurts.


I have a lot to think about.
I can't express it all in words.
Let's call this the end.







Tuesday.

...something else

Some sweet kind of loneliness
Crossed my lips this morning
And, as quickly as it came,
It left with the cold breeze sweeping through the city.
Some sort of vision of you this afternoon
Left me breathless again.
And, as clear and crisp as your eyes were,
Your face remained a mystery to me.
A certain tugging at my coat this evening
Left me hoping for you, standing behind me,
Waiting for me as I had waited for you.
Some bitter kind of notion
Crossed my mind
At another time...
And I decided to let you go.

[originally posted 12/08]

feeling.

I feel weird.
I've got butterflies, and no one special is around.
[I doubt my laptop, iPhone, or cat give me butterflies...]
I have this odd inkling that something is about to happen...something momentous or at least marginally important.
It's like a slight excitement wrapped in nervousness.
And the only thing on my mind is. . .
Well, you know I can't tell you exactly who or what may be on my mind at the moment, as you are the Interweb, and you cannot keep secrets very well [nothing against you...it's just a fact, my dear].

Yes.
I feel weird.
And that is all I can say right now.



[I almost typed "Saturday" when in actuality it is] Monday.

quote.

I want to kiss you
lips
touch
silently
in
sweet
darkness
and we become
one.
Raw
unhindered
let go of
inhibitions
and touch my
heart
with yours
and we will drift
into madness
together.
Hands clasped
and
souls bare
we will
run.


[originally written 1.9.10]

keepitcool.

Hi. I've missed you.
I haven't blogged in what seems like forever.
I've been neglecting you.
I'm sorry.
Well, I have a job now. It's not very fun, but it is a steady paycheck.
That's enough for me.
The pains in the back & feet remind me of my days at Cedar Point, walking around a sizzling hot amusement park for hours cleaning up behind terribly messy guests.
I shudder at the memory.
At any rate, I'm an employee somewhere. This fact makes me smile, as I'd been a part of the jobless for quite a while. Glad to be out of that ministry.

You know, I've been thinking about love...[what else is new, Bianca?]...
And I was just thinking...I don't think I've ever really loved someone.
I was thinking about it a couple of nights ago...and I didn't think I would blog about it...but you, dear interweb, know quite a few of my inner thoughts, so I figured I might as well tell you about this one.
[No one reads this...at least I'm pretty sure...]
At 19 years old...I don't think I've ever really loved someone.
I've loved the idea of a person once...I loved what I thought he was.
I loved the idea of loving someone once, too.
But never really loved someone.
It's scary to think about...
I've said it...but I don't believe that I ever really knew what I was talking about, you know?
Like, I said it just because I figured that's what I was supposed to say at the time. I thought I was right, but in retrospect, I realize that they were simply strong emotions.
Not love.
Love is a totally different thing.
An interestingly beautiful thing.
A thing that I shall have...at some point.
[Now I love my family, friends, etc...but I mean that real love...that love that Mary J. Blige was singing about back in '92. The real thing.]

It's just weird to me...
And I'm scared to say "I love you" again, simply because I don't know if I'll be right...what if I'm just speaking based off of those terrible things called "emotions" that tend to plague me on a regular basis?
What if I say those three oh so meaningful words and eventually rip someone's heart out because I failed to know the true meaning?
It's scary.
Really scary.



sat-er-daiye.

Focus

If you stand in once place for too long, you'll start to notice your surroundings.

Think, for a moment, of a person who stands in a field alone. She looks around and sees the sky above, the ground below. She sees grass, trees, flowers.
Her surroundings.

Take this into the spiritual.
Now imagine this girl again.
This girl is running...running a race so that she can win a great prize.
If she remains focused on pressing and running steadily toward the mark, she won't take notice of the people who are getting ahead of her or the people behind her. She sees the mark. She runs for the mark with all her might and strength...with all her heart.
However, if she paused for a moment in her mind and noticed that she were first in the race, she may get smug, arrogant, or even comfortable with the pace she ran and not attempt to push any further.
Right when she got comfortable, someone would come from behind her, take first place, and win her prize.
She'd be devastated.

Think about this:
Paul says this in 1 Corinthians 9.
^"24 Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! ²⁵ All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. ²⁶ So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing."

We are all pressing toward the mark of the high calling of Christ...we're not pressing for a crown or a medal or even money that could last us a lifetime.
We press for something much more valuable than that.
However, we, as Believers, tend to get comfortable with the level we are on in Christ.
And the moment we get comfortable with our level and stop focusing and pressing toward the mark, we begin to look at our surroundings. We may begin to notice that some of our friends aren't making the same sacrifices that we make, or we notice that some of the people we see at school in passing are simply not doing the same things we do.
We notice that we are doing much more to better our lives and that we are making so many sacrifices and what-have-you, all so that we can be closer to Christ.
The moment we take our eyes off of Christ, we begin to get smug in our own lives.
We begin to think that we are better than those who don't make the sacrifices that we do.
Arrogance sets in, and this can be for a few days or for many years.
But at some point, God always has a way of humbling us and letting us know that we are no better than the next person.
[Romans 3:23 - For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.]
Sometimes, God sees that we've become arrogant, and just like He prevented Moses from entering the Promised Land because of his arrogance, he chastises us today for ours.

That was just something that God laid on my heart to say.
I pray that someone takes this and really applies it.
I leave you with this:

1 Corinthians 9 says,
^"22 When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. ²³ I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings."

When you see someone who may not be at the same level in their walk with Christ as you are, be careful not to become too pretentious.
Pray for them. Love them.
You were there once, too, until someone prayed for and loved you.

Go.

Today was a rather interesting day...started off bittersweet...and turned to pure cane sugar.
At midnight, it hit me that this was the 4th anniversary of my father's death, and I almost cried a few times.
Naturally.
I just remembered all the amazingly beautiful times we'd had together throughout my childhood and the first half of my teenage years.
The teenage years weren't so beautiful...but we still managed to stay connected, despite my rebellious urges.
He understood me.
It was good.
He had his issues, but it was still good when I look back on it now.
I still miss him...but I know that I'm just like him, so it's like I still have a piece of him with me.
Always.

Back to what I was talking about before: Today.
This morning I woke up with a rather random song stuck in my head that I would rather not disclose to the Interweb.
Had a quesadilla.
And then my mother, sister, and I went and picked up my two [favorite...*ssssh don't tell anyone*] nieces from my brother...and they literally lit up my life.
It doesn't make sense how adorable their personalities are.
The younger one [3] is quiet when she's around her older sister [6]...and the older one is absolutely just like me. She's hilarious, she's smart, and she's just so beyond her years.
I love those little girls.

Being with family today was exactly what I needed...and I'm glad I got my dose.


Friday.

Bag Lady.

Inspired by the song by the very talented Erykah Badu.
This song is truth, in case you didn't know. [And for those that don't, it's about a woman who can't have a successful relationship because of all the proverbial baggage she carries from her previous ones.]
All I can really say is that I can identify with Miss Bag Lady. I've been through a few hurts, a few pains in the romantic arena. It was scary...and it scares me now. It's a part of the reason that I'm so apprehensive about finding that "One" [as mentioned in a previous post]...
It seems as though I attract the ones who only want one thing, the ones who cling to me like a leech, or I'm attracted to the ones who aren't attracted back, and I wind up looking like a fool [not with my pants on the ground, thankfully].
Either way...the end of the song says "Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go."
And that is exactly what I shall do.
I'm pretty sure that every woman walking this earth has this exact problem...carrying around bags and suitcases filled with memories and nightmares from previous men who cared little or didn't care at all for them.
It hurts.
Burns.
Brings tears to eyes and causes sleepless nights for some.
But remember.
let it go; let it go; let it go; let it go.




As Kanye said [when he was lucid],
"We all self-conscious; I'm just the first to admit it."


Thursday.

Blue

It's interesting when old friends get together and talk about times past...times that used to make us cringe or times that used to make us cry.
Those same times are now funny, ironic, a source of entertainment; they don't seem so serious anymore.
It makes me smile that people who literally have not spoken in a rather long time [in the case that we are only 19, 20, and 21...two years is a pretty long time] can come together and laugh and hug and talk like nothing but days have gone by.
Sitting by a fire.
Looking around at familiar faces.
Remembering days when life was so much more complicated but so much simpler.
It is times like these that remind me that the things that cause stress today will cause smiles tomorrow.





You'll look back on this and laugh.
Thursday

Braid

I need to do something to my hair, but I do not care, as I am clearly doing something more important.
Telling the interweb exactly how I feel...well...almost exactly.

Later today, [well...more like tonight...] I'm going to be reunited of sorts with a few people who have not seen or heard from me [in person] in about two years. Since graduation...so actually, more than two years.
I've changed quite a bit since graduation. In 2008, I was a mean, surly teenage girl who was looking for nothing more than a way out of her own angst-ridden story.
And, thanks to God and God alone, she found a way out of that sad, sad novel she had written for herself.
But that's what they know me as...they know me as a fake...as someone who pretended to be whatever they wanted me to be, and I'm not that anymore. I've begun to be what God wants me to be...and I like what God wants me to be.
I'm bubbly...I'm happy...I'm Saved.
I'm nervous.
I am not the person I was in high school.
I am not the person I pretended to be in high school, either.
The Great Pretending is all a part of my testimony, too...and that's something I didn't really think I had two years ago.
Mighty funny how things change, isn't it?





Wednesday.

Pretzel

I just had some ice cream, and that almost made me change my entire outlook on life. Mmm. With chocolate-covered pretzels crumbled in it.
Yes, Lord.
Of course, I shouldn't be eating things like that this late [probably should've eaten a grape instead], but hey...I'm 19. You only live once. Seize the day. Et cetera.
Anywhoo...I've been thinking about some things that I'm afraid of. Kind of like those monsters in your closet or underneath your bed that make you hesitant to get out of bed at night, even though deep inside, a part of you knows they're non-existent.
Those are the monsters in my mind right now...they're of the non-existent sort, but they've still got me hiding under my proverbial covers.
Blollywood, [Blog + Hollywood], I think I'll tell you what a few of those terrifying monsters are...hopefully to shine a bit of light upon them and scatter them into nothingness.
1. Will I ever find "The One?"
Yes, I am 19, but it's a valid thought, methinks. I feel as though I am so finnicky, so darn indecisive that the "One" will eventually walk across my path, and I'll push him to the side. Mm-mm-mm. What a shame.
I already had this conversation with Jesus...and I told Him that when He does send the husband, that he'll have to descend from a cloud and have a dove on his shoulder with the voice of God Himself saying, "This is your husband with whom I am well pleased. Be fruitful. Make babies & junk." [Yes, God would say "& junk" because He's just THAT cool.]
Once, a friend told me that when she first laid eyes on her current fiance', that she thought, "I'm gonna have his babies!"
I've never had a moment like that...I'm still waiting for it.
Then again, what would I do now, knowing exactly who my "One" is? I'm still in college...in undergrad at that. Hmm. 'Tis a lot to think about.

1 1/2. What kind of wife/mother will I be?
I don't know how to be a parent...I'm still learning how to take care of myself. How will I take care of a child [or a few...] and be an awesome wife, too?
Even the thought of being someone's wife...someone's partner for the rest of forever on Earth...scares the living daylights out of me. Having a life in my tummy scares me even more. Sheesh...sometimes, it causes me to tremble, tremble.

2. What if I don't do what I plan to do?
Sometimes, I think that God might call me to do something totally different from what I'm in school for. And if He does, how will I react to that? I mean...I can't see the future, so I really have no idea what I'm going to be doing in 10 years. I want it to involve a private practice where I counsel people...or maybe even counseling in a college or business setting...and I want it to involve a husband and a really cute house and adorably wonderful thoughts of working on a Mini-Us.
Just being honest.
But what if God wants me to be a missionary in like...China where I could get killed for even speaking the name "Jesus Christ?"
It crosses my mind from time to time.

3. I want to sing. Badly. I just want that to be my thing...however, I know, from Sister Act 2, that "Singing does not put food on the table. Singing does not pay the bills." [Unless, of course, you're Beyonce, Alicia Keys, or Mariah Carey...]
And I want to be a photographer...I have a lot of dreams, dear interweb...I really do. And I'm talented [thanks to Jesus for making me that way]...and I just want to be artistic. I do. But psychology is something I also love...and something that has a bit more of a guarantee. Not that I'm dissatisfied with psych. or anything...I just wish I could do everything.

Well...that was a long entry, and those are my thoughts at the moment.
I feel a bit better now that those monsters had a bit of light shone upon them.



Monday.

worst

Hold me with a disarming look in those eyes of yours, and I am forever eternally always at your disposal. I need you in the worst way, and I can't make that change.
Nights I lie awake; hours pass, and I find that all I have done is let you run your course through my mind once again.
I'm losing sleep over you, baby, and I have to take a break.
Need to rest. Need time to breathe. But I can't breathe without you. Need to see how it feels to not feel like this, but I can't be without you. You send me through phases and places unknown without even saying a word...but it's the thoughts that I think you think that drive me slowly insane.
Do you know? Don't you know that I wish you knew? Do I wish you knew? Do you wish you knew? Who knows? I don't. The one thing that is evident and purely true in this whirlwind of a mind of mine is that I want you. Need you in the worst way, and I can't make that change.

Nights Like This

The skies held a heaviness inside them. The Earth had a secret to tell. The pressure of which was tearing her apart...I knew that pain. I knew the sorrow of wanting to speak words loudly from the mountaintops for everyone to hear but being silenced by fears. Yes, this was my own predicament, Earth, however, held something much greater behind her starry eyes. A palpable heaviness filled the air with the scent of rain and summer heat. I knew what this meant: storm is coming soon. I breathed deep once, twice, three times, simply to inhale the beauty of such great pretending...pretending in which I had once prided myself but simply could no more. Maybe I'd lost my niche. Maybe it was time for my hiding and running scared days to end.
And then.
A droplet fell from the clouds to my shoulder. I turned my face toward the sky, embracing whatever it held next.
A downpour of raindrops pounded pavement and slowly drowned blades of grass...and gracefully treaded across my forehead and down my cheeks. Tiny trickles fell around my eyelids and ever-so-cunningly hid any traces of my own tears that I might need to hide.
I thanked the skies for that.
Fear had often made its way to my eyes and forced out warm, salty emotions, and I had even more often longed to cover them...cover my cries...cover my bloodshot eyes.
Tonight was the night.
Moonlit drops fell from grey clouds and camouflaged my fears.
Finally, the Earth let her tears fall.
And we cried together, like old friends over faded memories, we wept in unison.

Telephone.

Emotions are very interesting things.
They can cause people to run from what they really wanted all along; they can cause people to chase what they've always wanted, even if it's not the right time.
Oh, emotions, how I loathe thee.
You make me upset...you suck.

Knock, knock

Stop knocking at my door...calling my phone...all of the above.
Thanks in advance,
Bianca.
Soprettymuch, I've been M.I.A. on the whole blog tip.
I apologize...I've been tweeting my innermost thoughts.
Well...some of them.
I'm @CardboardLyrix. Check me out.
Well...don't like "check me out"...just read my tweets.
Anywhoo.
I'm just chillin out, maxxin & relaxin at this point...and I'm kinda cool with that...
Been thinking about some things...a few people too.
One in particular who just won't get out of my frotastique head.
Hmph.
But yeah...called things off with one person (and I want him to stop figuratively knocking at my door)...I'm on hiatus...plus...I don't want that boy.
Pshh. Puh-LEASE.
I'm too fly for that drama.
Pretty much drama-free at this point. Praise Jehovah.
And I love it.
Still praising my Jesus all the day long...still in love with Him (& I always will be).
And now I am sleepy...so goodnight, dearest Interweb.







Saturday.

Elroy Jetson

I'm annoyed, blogville...I am very annoyed.
I just want some sort of private space, peace, quiet, and a little bit of consistency in my life. Is that so much to ask?
Hmm. Well, I guess it is...for free, at least. If I gladly pay $200 a month, I can have all of those things...but I suppose I'll have to wait awhile even for that.
And crying won't solve anything but make my eyes all bloodshot and my nose all runny, so from that I suppose I can refrain.
But I'm just angry.
Can I just be angry?
Just for a little while?
Okay.



Friday.

I wake in the morning, tired of sleeping.

I love that song.
Uhm.
Guess what. . .
SEMESTER'S OVER!
[And more importantly,] THE YEAR'S OVER.
Ugh.
It's been rough, dear blog-readers. Very rough.
I mean...not socially so much...that was cool. Academically, though, it shook me. Which is odd coming from me, since I'm usually the smart kid to whom most things come easily. That last statement is still pretty true, though, since I did manage to do really well on my Humanities final without even being in class most of the time [A girl made me aware of it, and it almost made me smile.]
But anyway, it's been a ride...a rollercoaster, even [although, I don't delight in using the rollercoaster analogy because I truly dislike them. They scare me.], but I've made it through...I'm not dead either, so that's a plus. I mean, I do still have living to do, anyway.
Next year will be better, at least...I promise myself that. I can't deal with another year like this one.
Ugh.
Let me stop complaining about how hard the year was...it was mostly my own goshdarn fault anyway.
This last semester has been a doozie. Really. I mean, Gospel Choir was interesting, although it was almost like a movie the way that we went out with a small bang in the end.
The Hiatus has been a doozie, also...but I got some recent encouragement from church on Wednesday [what you crave is the thing for which you persist. . . are your cravings really worth that?]. . . and honestly, it changed my mind about a lot of things.
Then just yesterday, a friend asked me about the Hiatus and gave me a bit of encouragement whilst I encouraged her.
It was interesting...and I realized that it might be worth all the trouble and turmoil that it requires [but I may be overexaggerating because of the simple fact that it forces me to do something that I really do not want to do].
Well.
Praise Jehovah anyway.
And I suppose that is all I have to say to you, Interweb.



[A]
Saturday
[that is weeks after the last blog.]

NEWSFLASH

I often do not make sense to other people, but in my mind, it all comes together.

That is all.

Before You Walk Out. . .

Watching "Julie & Julia" gave me a new outlook on blogging...it made me think that there might actually be someone out there who reads this [when I do get to writing].
Maybe I'm simply delusional and wrong, but it was a nice thought while it lasted.
I like the word "whilst."
This romantic hiatus is kicking my butt.
I said that a couple of times today, and it's truly starting to kick in.
Although, there really seems to be a smaaaaaaaaaall number of guys worthy of my feelings and thoughts and time and other things that I would inevitably invest into a relationship.
A very infinitesimal number of men.
Hmph.
It's still nice to think about, though. And thoughts always seem to get me in trouble. You see, I'm a thinker. That's what I do. I think [and of course, I write, but I digress], and those thoughts become these things that pop into my mind at the most inappropriate of times.
Nothing terrible, now, just these odd thoughts of guys...and how cute they are...or how talented and what-have-you.
And they're just like fingernails on a chalkboard whilst I remain in this romantic hiatus.
I really like that term.
I'm not sure if I've said that to this void called the interweb, but I do enjoy that term.
Romantic.
Hiatus.
The feeling isn't the greatest, but the term ROCKS.
I thought it up myself.
*applause ensues*
I'm sick. Well...I have a cold-like feeling at the moment...all week it's been bothering me, really.
My nose is all stuffy, meaning that I can't sing as well as I'd like, and that is not the best feeling either.
Makes me want to crawl into my bed and sleep until my voice gets back up to par.
Oh but I can't do that...I must LIVE.
Without a beautiful singing voice.
=/
Ah well.
It'll all be alright...I've endured much worse. Much worse, I tell you.
You know what I've also come to figure out? Tea is my new obsession. But not any specific type of tea, no. I take different bags of tea - like peppermint and chamomile and spearmint - and brew them all together, add a few teaspoons of honey, and baby, I'm in heaven.
It's better than coffee.
Much better.
And healthier too...at least I think so.
It's 4AM. I should be sleeping...but I am not.
So...I suppose I'll continue to listen to music [now playing: The Beatles - Something], and maybe I'll write something rhythmically poetic.
With crossed fingers, I'll bid thee adieu.

I've got

stories in my head that need to be put onto this computer
like yesterday.
I've got a very interesting mind, you know.
Might be the mind of a writer, even.
I look at things...or I hear things...or view certain situations, and I always think, "Huh. That might make an amazing story."
I should really write those stories down.
Maybe write some sort of a book someday?
I should write a book someday...
Now that I think about it...I really should.
Hmm.

Friday [but actually eeeeearly Saturday morning.]

StarQuality.

What exactly is "star quality"?
Eh.
I don't know.
WHATEVZ!
Anywhoo...today was great!
First...I woke up at 3PM [it's spring break. and I was up till 6. sue me.]
Then I went outside because the weather was just so dang beautiful.
And then I ate some steak and tater tots [I do enjoy my tots].
And then I went outside AGAIN because the weather was just so dang beautiful.
I took pictures.
It was loverly.
Gah.
I think the surpriZe of amazing weather completely drained me because I am TOO tired right now.
Almost too tired to function or to watch Wendy.
But I'm gonna watch Wendy.
And take myself to sleep.


Thursday.

it's been a long time...

i shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to.
so anywayz.
i've learned some verrrrrrry interesting information in the past week...very interesting indeed.
don't wanna go into it, really, because this is indeed the interweb, and who knows, someone might actually read this blog and know *exactly* what i'm talking about...and that may or may not be good.
i haven't decided yet.
until i do, things like the things i learned will remain secret...to the interweb.
alright.
so anyway.
i'm horribly bored, and i cannot live with this boredom any longer...thus iBlog.
don't know what to talk about, really...but iBlog anyway.
i wonder who else out there is blogging...right now...thinking, "wow, i'm very bored. i shall blog. let's see what thoughts pass through my mind and end up on this computer screen."
it's a very interesting thought.
you know what i don't like anymore?
the mall.
i've been to three malls almost NONSTOP for the last few weeks, and i simply do not want to shop for at least a month or two.
sad.
shopping overdose.
not a good feeling, folks.
OH OH.
i'm listening to John Legend, and his voice is delectable.
scrumptious.
all those good words.,
i hope i have time to take a nap today...or maybe i'll just go to bed early again.
yessssssss
that would be guh-REAT.
i hate it when i look super cute, and NO one's around to see me.
well, no one *important* anyway.
ah well.
i like scarves.
i really do.
i do not enjoy gloves as much, though.
i also enjoy Lady GaGa.
and the color teal...or aquamarine...or something like that.
i'm starting to like light blue more and more these days.
i'm also starting to like sunlight more and more.
maybe it's because i've been having a terrible withdrawal from it for the past few MONTHS...and my desire for it is being satisfied by its presence.
probably.
word to ya motha.
gah...i've been rambling for too long now...alright.










THURSDAY.

fear. [biancatayloredition]

has a
bitter
taste
developed upon my lips
where you kissed me?
have i grown to
hate
the night we were
whatever we were?
the night you
held me
like a lost child,
wrapped arms around me
and almost didn't
let
g o ...
but you had to.

telephone.

a slow, hesitant
"hello"
was said
before you spoke your peace
on the situation.
my situation.
the situation that I created
out of silly girlish ambitions
and daydreams on a
Saturday night.
you were sweet, calm, peaceful.
never brash or rude.
the exact things i'd grown to
love
[oh no. can't say that. won't say that.]
L I K E
about you.
why we were such close
friends.
friends.
friends.
nothing more.
you want nothing more, do you?
although my desperately-searched-for answer was
never found
in you.
you
dodged the bullet
like James Bond
and I was left,
the shooter,
stunned by your
soft words
and poetic musings
that i just let it go.
"i have to go."
and i did.
i left and i didn't think about you.
and i laughed and i tried not to care about you.
even though
i know
you cared about me.
"are you alright?"
of course i am.
don't you know me better than that by now?
and i sat there in silence as you read the letter to me.
hands shaking and eyes attempting to water
for whatever reason.
shock.
fear.
sadness.
awe.
who's to say.
all i can say
is that you never really told me what i wanted to hear.
how do you f e e l about me?
how do you f e e l?
i don't care what you want right now
be it the stars, moon, sky, or all three.
i want what you feel.

MONKEYBEANS

AAAGH.
The tele is acting like it has no kind of sense right now.
I'm just gonna watch that episode of The Twilight Zone starring Carol Burnett that I DVR-ed last night and take my butt to bed.
Oh! Update!
I'm not afraid of Humanities anymore.
The exam was NOT that bad.
I hope we get them back soon because I'm the type who enjoys that instant gratification when it comes to tests and quizzes and the like.
Hopefully...it was in the B-range.
PRAYERFULLY it was in the A-range.
YessssssLord.
But still...it doesn't scare me anymore.
And for a change, things in this little life of mine are going pretty darn well for me. I have pretty much all that I need, great friends, a pretty sweet laptop, a sexy iPhone, and throughout it all, I've had MY JESUS on my side from DAY ONE.
Even before Day One I suppose...because He knew me in my mother's womb...so does that count as Day One?
Maybe even before that...
I'm confusing myself.
Moving on.
What was I saying?
Oh YEAH!
I'm happy.
Content.
Satisfied.
But still moving forward in Christ.
That's the best feeling in the world...in case you were wondering.
=]






MondayyyyyyyyyyYAYYYYYY.

iAm

so officially done with college schooling right now, it's ridiculous.
Almost so ridiculous that I almost misspelled "ridiculous."
It's that serious.
UGH.
Humanities scares the FJIWOAHFJIWEJH out of me...just the hugeness of the class and how we cover SO much stuff in like a day, it makes me want to scream like Michael and Janet.
Srsly.
My cat is freaking out right now.
Probably the manifestation of how I'm feeling right now.
Hah.
I love him.
Anyway.
I'm gonna have some veggie chips and water, watch some sort of program on the tele, and take myself to bed.

MUHNDAY.

i keep

singing loud notes to make my cat's ears go back...it makes me giggle.
I love my friends...I mean my friends. Not those people on Facebook or Myspace who you don't really know, but add anyway because they seem nice.
Not even those people who smile in your face and turn around and DOG you when you're not listening.
No.
I mean my friends. The crazy-amazing-random-beautiful people who spend time with me when I need it the most.
Yep.
I love them folks.
That just might be all that I have to say in this entry.

Wednesday.

my heart has got a mind of its own

...and it's all because of you.
well, maybe notsomuch.
it's pretty much my heart's fault.
but that's another story for another day of another week of another month of another year.
wait for it.
coming soon to an internet near you.
so anywhooo.
things worked out much better than they should have...and that's pretty much God working in my favor, which constantly makes my soul smile.
i'm not ready.
not like i thought i was.
he's not either.
[no one reads this, right? k...good.]
i mean...it was mostly the idea of getting the whole thing off of my chest and onto the proverbial table that was the fix in my situation.
i hope i didn't put any stress on him...that was not my intention at all.
phone calls are hilarious...especially when you inadvertently say "oh crap" before "hello" and the other person hears you.
harrrrty har har.
going out with those two girls tonight was the pick-me-up that i needed after a phonecall like that. most definitely. you never know how awesome some people are until you spend three hours with them at applebee's.
hah.
well...i suppose i'm off to continue to play sorority life on facebook and maybe other internet-related things...like google...or downloading music...or youtube...or twitter...or whatever. the internet is full of wonderful, newfangled things to do.

nightynight. ;)

we were supposed

to hang today...but that was rudely interrupted by my own problems. ah well. methinks everything happens for some sort of reason...and even the things that seem to not make sense now will somehow come together in the giant patchwork that is my life. it helps to think of things that way, I suppose.
my mouth tastes like perfume, and I do not like this at all. then again, who really likes a cheap-perfume-flavored tongue?
I'm sure someone does.
gosh. I like this guy quite a bit...and it's not like it's not reciprocated, it's just that I can't bring myself to lay down this silly thing called my pride and say, "Hi, __________, I like you a lot."
things like that are much easier thought than said. I'd really like to take a nap right now, but that would probably throw off my sleeping pattern for the rest of the night [and probably the rest of the weekend, truthfully] so I guess I'll sit here and actually watch "Back at the Barnyard" rather than snoring whilst the animals joke about life on the farm.
still.
nothing's really taking my mind off of him...aside from the annoying feeling I have from not going to class today.
that really grinds my gears.
so that's that.


Thursday.

if you have something to say

you should say it right now.
Should I?
Right now?
But he's probably sleeping, and I'm sure it would be rude to wake the people in his house at such an hour.
So I guess I'll wait.
But if you ask me, I'm ready.