I can't do it on my own...

...but I feel as though I have to.
Like I'm pushing everyone away, and I'll be left alone with nothing but my own loneliness to keep me company on cold, rainy nights.






Tuesday.

1:43AM

Some things simply don't make sense.
It is becoming obvious to me that there are very many things that simply make absolutely no logical sense. You see, I once had strong feelings for someone, but these feelings were not reciprocated. I thought I'd let the situation go...that nothing to do with my emotions and his lack of emotions would bother me anymore.

Then his birthday came.
Then I told him, "Happy Birthday."
Then I missed him.
Then I told him that I missed him.

Big mistake.
It's fine to miss someone, completely fine.
I just never should have started moving my darn fingers and sent that message.

It's always a darn Facebook message.

The thing that perplexes me about the situation, though, is that his response still managed to strike the sound out of my mouth and cause me to fall silent for at least an hour.
I had nothing to say.
What could be said?
He asked me to get coffee with him.
Coffee.
Coffee is good...great, even.
I just don't know if I'm ready for that...
The last time I saw him, I almost ignored his existence simply for my own mental stability's sake.
Had I acknowledged his presence, I probably would have lost it.
It's no one's fault, though. We were like two trains swerving off of their own tracks that were headed directly for each other. The only catch was that we managed to miss each other by a millimeter.
We missed.
I missed.
He missed.
But in all honesty, had anything become of my little stunt last January, I probably would be in worse shape than I'm in now. We both would probably fight like a married couple; I'd hate how withdrawn he'd become, and he'd hate how I need to talk to him so much. We'd wind up broken up, never friends again, and I would probably never see him again in my entire life, which would be completely by choice.

I don't want that.
I still want him in my life.
I still love him.
I just don't love him in the way that I used to "love" him.

[I hope that] I'm okay with that.











Wednesday.

Chai Tea Latte

Sitting in Panera, sipping a hot chai tea latte with one of my best friends in the entire world.
I feel as though life is infinitely better than the last time we spoke, dear.
I still have that throbbing pang of loneliness now and again...hits me like a bullet in the back, as it sneaks up on me at the most random times.
The most frustrating thing, though, I'd have to say is having these very attractive male friends who seemingly have a lot of the characteristics that I find oh-so-intriguing...but I can't get near them.
Maybe it's God's way of letting me know that there are a few good ones left...just to lift my spirits and renew my faith in humanity, which was close to drained as a result of the people with which I've come in contact in my lifetime.
Trust me.
The fact that I can believe truly and honestly that there are genuinely "good" men out there in the world is probably one of the most groundbreaking things that I've encountered.
Anyway.
I just wanted to let you know that...everything's pretty alright at this point. There are frustrations...of course there are frustrations; whose life is free of frustrations, my love?

Essentially, the focus of this blog post is to say this:
I love my life despite the angering situations that arise daily.

Thank you.









Monday.

Stella.

I just want to take you through my exact thought processes right now.
Give you a quick glimpse into the mind of the genius.

Strange...

[I want Subway, but the Subway in the Union is egregiously sloppy...and their bread is always so dry.]

My stomach hurts really bad.

I do not want to do anything tonight but go home and go to bed. Just being honest.

It's freaking FREEZING in this computer lab...I've been here rather often since the semester started...it has free printing. What more could a girl want?

I close my eyes for a glimpse of what rest could look like...mimicry is all that I have at this point.

I'm deathly afraid to go back to where I was 8 months ago...I was a mess...and I don't want to go back to that...to the situation, to be more specific. The situation has been rearing its ugly head lately...sending my brain down a path that ultimately sends my poor [currently over-emotional] heart into a frenzy. I'm giggling again...smiling like a schoolgirl...thinking about it all the time.
No, Bianca. I need you to stop it. Now.

I'm sick of this loneliness thing. I'm so sick of it. It's terrible. I don't know if it's technically "loneliness" because I feel that my particular emotion is much more complex than that ten-letter word. I just want to go and find someone and be with them...I don't mean in the empty, "no strings attached" way that seems to be oh-so-popular these days with people my age. I mean, I want to find that love of a lifetime and just be with him. All the time. All day. Every minute. Call him. See him. Talk to him. Be with him.

^That little blurb is probably stemming from the fact that everyone around me seems to be in some sort of relationship...or at least in the preliminary stages. Feels like it's just me out here. Feels like it's just. ME.

I'm twenty years old now. I still feel majorly nineteen...however, twenty is beginning to make its presence known...in small increments.

Paige's attitude almost makes me want to cry. She's so mean, so bitter at such a young age. Looking at her is almost looking into a mirror of my 12-year-old self. I was bitter...angry...mean...filled with rage...but no one knew. Paige is almost the outward expression of how I used to feel. I just want to grab her, hold her, and make her different. Make her not feel the way that she does. I know she's hurting. I just don't want her to.

Where did all my friends go? All the people from high school? What ever happened to them? I feel as though I fell off of the face of the earth, and they're still there. Maybe they fell off the face of the earth. Well, at any rate, someone's fallen, and I can't find them at all.

God...did I really sign up for all of this? Did I? It's scary to feel alone like this...it's frightening...and I don't like it.

I feel the need to cry much more lately...I cried on my birthday. You know those types of cries where you can't do anything but cry? You can't walk...can't speak...you can't move. It's like my body was overtaken by weeping. I missed my father, and my mother's openness just a few moments before the teary-eyed session that I had with myself was most likely what prompted it all.

I suppose I should head to this class about the African-American novel now.
It's been a very cleansing experience to share my honesty with you, Interweb.
Hopefully someone reads this and realizes that they're going through similar things as I am...and they see that they're not alone.









you're not alone.













Monday.