Focus

If you stand in once place for too long, you'll start to notice your surroundings.

Think, for a moment, of a person who stands in a field alone. She looks around and sees the sky above, the ground below. She sees grass, trees, flowers.
Her surroundings.

Take this into the spiritual.
Now imagine this girl again.
This girl is running...running a race so that she can win a great prize.
If she remains focused on pressing and running steadily toward the mark, she won't take notice of the people who are getting ahead of her or the people behind her. She sees the mark. She runs for the mark with all her might and strength...with all her heart.
However, if she paused for a moment in her mind and noticed that she were first in the race, she may get smug, arrogant, or even comfortable with the pace she ran and not attempt to push any further.
Right when she got comfortable, someone would come from behind her, take first place, and win her prize.
She'd be devastated.

Think about this:
Paul says this in 1 Corinthians 9.
^"24 Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! ²⁵ All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. ²⁶ So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing."

We are all pressing toward the mark of the high calling of Christ...we're not pressing for a crown or a medal or even money that could last us a lifetime.
We press for something much more valuable than that.
However, we, as Believers, tend to get comfortable with the level we are on in Christ.
And the moment we get comfortable with our level and stop focusing and pressing toward the mark, we begin to look at our surroundings. We may begin to notice that some of our friends aren't making the same sacrifices that we make, or we notice that some of the people we see at school in passing are simply not doing the same things we do.
We notice that we are doing much more to better our lives and that we are making so many sacrifices and what-have-you, all so that we can be closer to Christ.
The moment we take our eyes off of Christ, we begin to get smug in our own lives.
We begin to think that we are better than those who don't make the sacrifices that we do.
Arrogance sets in, and this can be for a few days or for many years.
But at some point, God always has a way of humbling us and letting us know that we are no better than the next person.
[Romans 3:23 - For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.]
Sometimes, God sees that we've become arrogant, and just like He prevented Moses from entering the Promised Land because of his arrogance, he chastises us today for ours.

That was just something that God laid on my heart to say.
I pray that someone takes this and really applies it.
I leave you with this:

1 Corinthians 9 says,
^"22 When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. ²³ I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings."

When you see someone who may not be at the same level in their walk with Christ as you are, be careful not to become too pretentious.
Pray for them. Love them.
You were there once, too, until someone prayed for and loved you.

Go.

Today was a rather interesting day...started off bittersweet...and turned to pure cane sugar.
At midnight, it hit me that this was the 4th anniversary of my father's death, and I almost cried a few times.
Naturally.
I just remembered all the amazingly beautiful times we'd had together throughout my childhood and the first half of my teenage years.
The teenage years weren't so beautiful...but we still managed to stay connected, despite my rebellious urges.
He understood me.
It was good.
He had his issues, but it was still good when I look back on it now.
I still miss him...but I know that I'm just like him, so it's like I still have a piece of him with me.
Always.

Back to what I was talking about before: Today.
This morning I woke up with a rather random song stuck in my head that I would rather not disclose to the Interweb.
Had a quesadilla.
And then my mother, sister, and I went and picked up my two [favorite...*ssssh don't tell anyone*] nieces from my brother...and they literally lit up my life.
It doesn't make sense how adorable their personalities are.
The younger one [3] is quiet when she's around her older sister [6]...and the older one is absolutely just like me. She's hilarious, she's smart, and she's just so beyond her years.
I love those little girls.

Being with family today was exactly what I needed...and I'm glad I got my dose.


Friday.

Bag Lady.

Inspired by the song by the very talented Erykah Badu.
This song is truth, in case you didn't know. [And for those that don't, it's about a woman who can't have a successful relationship because of all the proverbial baggage she carries from her previous ones.]
All I can really say is that I can identify with Miss Bag Lady. I've been through a few hurts, a few pains in the romantic arena. It was scary...and it scares me now. It's a part of the reason that I'm so apprehensive about finding that "One" [as mentioned in a previous post]...
It seems as though I attract the ones who only want one thing, the ones who cling to me like a leech, or I'm attracted to the ones who aren't attracted back, and I wind up looking like a fool [not with my pants on the ground, thankfully].
Either way...the end of the song says "Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go."
And that is exactly what I shall do.
I'm pretty sure that every woman walking this earth has this exact problem...carrying around bags and suitcases filled with memories and nightmares from previous men who cared little or didn't care at all for them.
It hurts.
Burns.
Brings tears to eyes and causes sleepless nights for some.
But remember.
let it go; let it go; let it go; let it go.




As Kanye said [when he was lucid],
"We all self-conscious; I'm just the first to admit it."


Thursday.

Blue

It's interesting when old friends get together and talk about times past...times that used to make us cringe or times that used to make us cry.
Those same times are now funny, ironic, a source of entertainment; they don't seem so serious anymore.
It makes me smile that people who literally have not spoken in a rather long time [in the case that we are only 19, 20, and 21...two years is a pretty long time] can come together and laugh and hug and talk like nothing but days have gone by.
Sitting by a fire.
Looking around at familiar faces.
Remembering days when life was so much more complicated but so much simpler.
It is times like these that remind me that the things that cause stress today will cause smiles tomorrow.





You'll look back on this and laugh.
Thursday

Braid

I need to do something to my hair, but I do not care, as I am clearly doing something more important.
Telling the interweb exactly how I feel...well...almost exactly.

Later today, [well...more like tonight...] I'm going to be reunited of sorts with a few people who have not seen or heard from me [in person] in about two years. Since graduation...so actually, more than two years.
I've changed quite a bit since graduation. In 2008, I was a mean, surly teenage girl who was looking for nothing more than a way out of her own angst-ridden story.
And, thanks to God and God alone, she found a way out of that sad, sad novel she had written for herself.
But that's what they know me as...they know me as a fake...as someone who pretended to be whatever they wanted me to be, and I'm not that anymore. I've begun to be what God wants me to be...and I like what God wants me to be.
I'm bubbly...I'm happy...I'm Saved.
I'm nervous.
I am not the person I was in high school.
I am not the person I pretended to be in high school, either.
The Great Pretending is all a part of my testimony, too...and that's something I didn't really think I had two years ago.
Mighty funny how things change, isn't it?





Wednesday.

Pretzel

I just had some ice cream, and that almost made me change my entire outlook on life. Mmm. With chocolate-covered pretzels crumbled in it.
Yes, Lord.
Of course, I shouldn't be eating things like that this late [probably should've eaten a grape instead], but hey...I'm 19. You only live once. Seize the day. Et cetera.
Anywhoo...I've been thinking about some things that I'm afraid of. Kind of like those monsters in your closet or underneath your bed that make you hesitant to get out of bed at night, even though deep inside, a part of you knows they're non-existent.
Those are the monsters in my mind right now...they're of the non-existent sort, but they've still got me hiding under my proverbial covers.
Blollywood, [Blog + Hollywood], I think I'll tell you what a few of those terrifying monsters are...hopefully to shine a bit of light upon them and scatter them into nothingness.
1. Will I ever find "The One?"
Yes, I am 19, but it's a valid thought, methinks. I feel as though I am so finnicky, so darn indecisive that the "One" will eventually walk across my path, and I'll push him to the side. Mm-mm-mm. What a shame.
I already had this conversation with Jesus...and I told Him that when He does send the husband, that he'll have to descend from a cloud and have a dove on his shoulder with the voice of God Himself saying, "This is your husband with whom I am well pleased. Be fruitful. Make babies & junk." [Yes, God would say "& junk" because He's just THAT cool.]
Once, a friend told me that when she first laid eyes on her current fiance', that she thought, "I'm gonna have his babies!"
I've never had a moment like that...I'm still waiting for it.
Then again, what would I do now, knowing exactly who my "One" is? I'm still in college...in undergrad at that. Hmm. 'Tis a lot to think about.

1 1/2. What kind of wife/mother will I be?
I don't know how to be a parent...I'm still learning how to take care of myself. How will I take care of a child [or a few...] and be an awesome wife, too?
Even the thought of being someone's wife...someone's partner for the rest of forever on Earth...scares the living daylights out of me. Having a life in my tummy scares me even more. Sheesh...sometimes, it causes me to tremble, tremble.

2. What if I don't do what I plan to do?
Sometimes, I think that God might call me to do something totally different from what I'm in school for. And if He does, how will I react to that? I mean...I can't see the future, so I really have no idea what I'm going to be doing in 10 years. I want it to involve a private practice where I counsel people...or maybe even counseling in a college or business setting...and I want it to involve a husband and a really cute house and adorably wonderful thoughts of working on a Mini-Us.
Just being honest.
But what if God wants me to be a missionary in like...China where I could get killed for even speaking the name "Jesus Christ?"
It crosses my mind from time to time.

3. I want to sing. Badly. I just want that to be my thing...however, I know, from Sister Act 2, that "Singing does not put food on the table. Singing does not pay the bills." [Unless, of course, you're Beyonce, Alicia Keys, or Mariah Carey...]
And I want to be a photographer...I have a lot of dreams, dear interweb...I really do. And I'm talented [thanks to Jesus for making me that way]...and I just want to be artistic. I do. But psychology is something I also love...and something that has a bit more of a guarantee. Not that I'm dissatisfied with psych. or anything...I just wish I could do everything.

Well...that was a long entry, and those are my thoughts at the moment.
I feel a bit better now that those monsters had a bit of light shone upon them.



Monday.

worst

Hold me with a disarming look in those eyes of yours, and I am forever eternally always at your disposal. I need you in the worst way, and I can't make that change.
Nights I lie awake; hours pass, and I find that all I have done is let you run your course through my mind once again.
I'm losing sleep over you, baby, and I have to take a break.
Need to rest. Need time to breathe. But I can't breathe without you. Need to see how it feels to not feel like this, but I can't be without you. You send me through phases and places unknown without even saying a word...but it's the thoughts that I think you think that drive me slowly insane.
Do you know? Don't you know that I wish you knew? Do I wish you knew? Do you wish you knew? Who knows? I don't. The one thing that is evident and purely true in this whirlwind of a mind of mine is that I want you. Need you in the worst way, and I can't make that change.

Nights Like This

The skies held a heaviness inside them. The Earth had a secret to tell. The pressure of which was tearing her apart...I knew that pain. I knew the sorrow of wanting to speak words loudly from the mountaintops for everyone to hear but being silenced by fears. Yes, this was my own predicament, Earth, however, held something much greater behind her starry eyes. A palpable heaviness filled the air with the scent of rain and summer heat. I knew what this meant: storm is coming soon. I breathed deep once, twice, three times, simply to inhale the beauty of such great pretending...pretending in which I had once prided myself but simply could no more. Maybe I'd lost my niche. Maybe it was time for my hiding and running scared days to end.
And then.
A droplet fell from the clouds to my shoulder. I turned my face toward the sky, embracing whatever it held next.
A downpour of raindrops pounded pavement and slowly drowned blades of grass...and gracefully treaded across my forehead and down my cheeks. Tiny trickles fell around my eyelids and ever-so-cunningly hid any traces of my own tears that I might need to hide.
I thanked the skies for that.
Fear had often made its way to my eyes and forced out warm, salty emotions, and I had even more often longed to cover them...cover my cries...cover my bloodshot eyes.
Tonight was the night.
Moonlit drops fell from grey clouds and camouflaged my fears.
Finally, the Earth let her tears fall.
And we cried together, like old friends over faded memories, we wept in unison.

Telephone.

Emotions are very interesting things.
They can cause people to run from what they really wanted all along; they can cause people to chase what they've always wanted, even if it's not the right time.
Oh, emotions, how I loathe thee.
You make me upset...you suck.