remember

There are times throughout my day when I don't think about you...when the idea of your love does not frighten me into a frenzy.
At times, you are absent from me, completely, and I thinkhopewishpray I can do without you for a moment longer.
And that is when you return to me.
The sound of your voice, melodically speaking the blueprint of my demise.
[You know you planned it.]
Your fingertips gently brushing my skin.
"I'm here."
It never took much for you to pull me back in.
A blink of the eye, raise of the eyebrow.
I am entranced by you, and I am dying to wake up.


[originally written 6.10.10]

tobecontinued...

...and he was my kryptonite. In a place where I had no weaknesses, he broke me to pieces in the most beautiful of ways.
His eyes, grey like thunderclouds.
My storm.
His lightning was bound to strike me and send me reeling until I finally hit the ground. Electricity flowed from his fingertips, and when he touched me, my entire body was a spark.
He set me aflame in a way that no one ever could.
His voice like an ocean breeze against my sunburned skin.
He healed me.
He was the prescription for my ailing heart.
He spoke and he knew me.
His words, my thoughts.
My pain, his purpose.
Created for this...




[originally written 6/10/10]

perfectlyclear.

I saw the words "perfectly clear" in a tweet recently, and I fell in love with them.
Perfectly.
Clear.
The words seem to roll off my tongue and leave behind a sweet aftertaste.
I enjoy them.

Today I went to church [well, it was more like "tonight" because it started at 6...but I digress], and it was phenomenal. I swear on my life, I have never seen anything like it before.
The spirit of God was so heavy in that place, all I could do was cry.
It was amazing.
I wondered for a moment if that was what heaven is like. If we're going to be constantly surrounded by God's presence for eternity...will I eternally cry?
I doubt my glorified body will have the tearducts to sustain that type of crying...because, child when I cry, I *cry.*
But at any rate, God was there. He was in that place, I promise.
The entire experience simply made me want to never leave His presence. Ever. Ever again.






...and I shan't.



Sunday.

song.

I took back my library books today...books that I couldn't finish because my life makes no sense, and when I do have time to read, I sleep.
*insert unhappy face here*

I was just thinking about something [which is usually why I blog...something comes to my mind, and I figure I should share it with my lovely friend, the Interweb].

I want one of those relationships...that's real. I want a real relationship. Holding hands in the mall, going on random dates to random places simply because we want to spend time together.
Riding in the car, taking mini-road trips to cities we've never visited.
My ideal date, though, is written down somewhere [and emblazoned in my very cluttered mind], and I can't tell you that, dearest Interweb. I want to keep that a secret.
But at any rate, I want something real.
Something really real.
I want happily ever after.
I don't care what anyone has to say about that.
I want the happy ending, and I will have it.




Thank you & goodnight.



Thursday.

phoenix.

I don't know when, where, or how exactly I fell in love with Phoenix, Arizona, but something about that place just makes my heart skip a beat.
It might be the fact that it rarely snows...or the desert sunsets that I'd get to enjoy every single night.
Most likely, it's the idea of getting away from here. Away from Akron, Ohio. Away from the people and things that remind me of a life that I'd like to restart over and over.
Phoenix could be my restart button.
Phoenix could be my "start for the first time" button.
I want to take a train to the desert and live like I've never lived before...like I've dreamed of living.


I just want to go to Arizona.
I just want to get out of here.





Monday.

numb.

I don't feel anything, really.
I mean, yes, I am angry at the fact that I was the last person to know about my uncle's passing [even though, I actually wasn't, thanks to a Facebook status]...but that's all I feel.
I don't feel sad.
I don't feel like...I don't feel as though I miss him quite yet.
Maybe after the hurt and anger wears off, it will leave a clear coat of simple sadness that will hit me like a train in the near future.
Oh, how I can't wait for that.

But you know something?
I tend to feel things before I'm supposed to.
I cried for my uncle in July when I went to see him...before he died.
When we talked about nothing and everything but what was right before everyone's eyes.
I cried for him.
I knew I would miss him.

I mourned my father for at least six months before he died, simply because it was something that I feel my subconscious expected, but I suppressed it enough that I hid it from my conscious mind.

I don't like how I feel right now.
I don't like it at all.

I just thought you might like to know that.









Friday.

medley

There is a lot on my mind at the moment...and it feels as though it's all sitting there, right on top of my brain, having tea and discussing ways to give me yet another headache.
I don't like that.
I've been thinking about quite a few things lately, romance being fairly ignored.
[Finally.]
I rarely talk to my mother about anything that's deeper than the surface; you know, the things that never evoke much emotion or much thought.
She talks to me, though.
I just rarely find the energy to attempt to tell her some stories of my own.
For a while, I thought it was just one of those teenager things...like wearing dark eyeliner and having this strong urge to run away from home for no reason at all.
Suffice it to say that it is definitely more than that.

You know what happened today?
My uncle, my father's brother, died.
And I had no idea until I saw a relative's Facebook status.
Isn't that something?
I got no call...no text message...nothing.
Is it selfish of me to want to know something so important as my only uncle's passing?
I don't think so.
I'm deeply saddened by this situation...even though I knew it was coming soon. I went to see him last month, and he looked terrible. Everyone knew. He knew, too. He told me. I cried on his front porch where no one could see me.
He told me he was proud of me.
He told me my dad would be proud of me.
That warmed my heart in a way that only the statement, "Your dad would be so proud" can.
It's sad.
It's very sad.
But he's not in pain anymore, worrying about when he would finally depart.
I suppose that's a good thing.
It just hurts.


I have a lot to think about.
I can't express it all in words.
Let's call this the end.







Tuesday.

...something else

Some sweet kind of loneliness
Crossed my lips this morning
And, as quickly as it came,
It left with the cold breeze sweeping through the city.
Some sort of vision of you this afternoon
Left me breathless again.
And, as clear and crisp as your eyes were,
Your face remained a mystery to me.
A certain tugging at my coat this evening
Left me hoping for you, standing behind me,
Waiting for me as I had waited for you.
Some bitter kind of notion
Crossed my mind
At another time...
And I decided to let you go.

[originally posted 12/08]

feeling.

I feel weird.
I've got butterflies, and no one special is around.
[I doubt my laptop, iPhone, or cat give me butterflies...]
I have this odd inkling that something is about to happen...something momentous or at least marginally important.
It's like a slight excitement wrapped in nervousness.
And the only thing on my mind is. . .
Well, you know I can't tell you exactly who or what may be on my mind at the moment, as you are the Interweb, and you cannot keep secrets very well [nothing against you...it's just a fact, my dear].

Yes.
I feel weird.
And that is all I can say right now.



[I almost typed "Saturday" when in actuality it is] Monday.

quote.

I want to kiss you
lips
touch
silently
in
sweet
darkness
and we become
one.
Raw
unhindered
let go of
inhibitions
and touch my
heart
with yours
and we will drift
into madness
together.
Hands clasped
and
souls bare
we will
run.


[originally written 1.9.10]

keepitcool.

Hi. I've missed you.
I haven't blogged in what seems like forever.
I've been neglecting you.
I'm sorry.
Well, I have a job now. It's not very fun, but it is a steady paycheck.
That's enough for me.
The pains in the back & feet remind me of my days at Cedar Point, walking around a sizzling hot amusement park for hours cleaning up behind terribly messy guests.
I shudder at the memory.
At any rate, I'm an employee somewhere. This fact makes me smile, as I'd been a part of the jobless for quite a while. Glad to be out of that ministry.

You know, I've been thinking about love...[what else is new, Bianca?]...
And I was just thinking...I don't think I've ever really loved someone.
I was thinking about it a couple of nights ago...and I didn't think I would blog about it...but you, dear interweb, know quite a few of my inner thoughts, so I figured I might as well tell you about this one.
[No one reads this...at least I'm pretty sure...]
At 19 years old...I don't think I've ever really loved someone.
I've loved the idea of a person once...I loved what I thought he was.
I loved the idea of loving someone once, too.
But never really loved someone.
It's scary to think about...
I've said it...but I don't believe that I ever really knew what I was talking about, you know?
Like, I said it just because I figured that's what I was supposed to say at the time. I thought I was right, but in retrospect, I realize that they were simply strong emotions.
Not love.
Love is a totally different thing.
An interestingly beautiful thing.
A thing that I shall have...at some point.
[Now I love my family, friends, etc...but I mean that real love...that love that Mary J. Blige was singing about back in '92. The real thing.]

It's just weird to me...
And I'm scared to say "I love you" again, simply because I don't know if I'll be right...what if I'm just speaking based off of those terrible things called "emotions" that tend to plague me on a regular basis?
What if I say those three oh so meaningful words and eventually rip someone's heart out because I failed to know the true meaning?
It's scary.
Really scary.



sat-er-daiye.