keepitcool.

Hi. I've missed you.
I haven't blogged in what seems like forever.
I've been neglecting you.
I'm sorry.
Well, I have a job now. It's not very fun, but it is a steady paycheck.
That's enough for me.
The pains in the back & feet remind me of my days at Cedar Point, walking around a sizzling hot amusement park for hours cleaning up behind terribly messy guests.
I shudder at the memory.
At any rate, I'm an employee somewhere. This fact makes me smile, as I'd been a part of the jobless for quite a while. Glad to be out of that ministry.

You know, I've been thinking about love...[what else is new, Bianca?]...
And I was just thinking...I don't think I've ever really loved someone.
I was thinking about it a couple of nights ago...and I didn't think I would blog about it...but you, dear interweb, know quite a few of my inner thoughts, so I figured I might as well tell you about this one.
[No one reads this...at least I'm pretty sure...]
At 19 years old...I don't think I've ever really loved someone.
I've loved the idea of a person once...I loved what I thought he was.
I loved the idea of loving someone once, too.
But never really loved someone.
It's scary to think about...
I've said it...but I don't believe that I ever really knew what I was talking about, you know?
Like, I said it just because I figured that's what I was supposed to say at the time. I thought I was right, but in retrospect, I realize that they were simply strong emotions.
Not love.
Love is a totally different thing.
An interestingly beautiful thing.
A thing that I shall have...at some point.
[Now I love my family, friends, etc...but I mean that real love...that love that Mary J. Blige was singing about back in '92. The real thing.]

It's just weird to me...
And I'm scared to say "I love you" again, simply because I don't know if I'll be right...what if I'm just speaking based off of those terrible things called "emotions" that tend to plague me on a regular basis?
What if I say those three oh so meaningful words and eventually rip someone's heart out because I failed to know the true meaning?
It's scary.
Really scary.



sat-er-daiye.